Tantra Stories: Removing Masculine Armor & Porn Addiction

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[blockquote align=]“Tantra Stories” is a series of touching testimonials from our Source School of Tantra Yoga seminar students. This story is written from a single man’s perspective.  Learn more about our Tantra Seminars HERE![/blockquote]

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forgiveness
Artwork by Irina Karkabi.

When I first entered the room at the Source Tantra Beginners Seminar on Friday night (I say this in retrospect) I was wearing my armor.

The weekend was recommended to me by a lady who had been doing energy work with me for a few months and I decided to follow through. I came with doubt, skepticism and fear. That fear would grow into terror by Saturday afternoon.

I have been doing men’s work for ten years… also work with boys as a mentor and other programs as well. I have seen and done much, including working with men in the maximum security yard at Folsom Prison. With all that experience behind me, one would think I was ready for just about anything. Think again. This was to become the ultimate challenge.

I have always believed that the body holds the all the wounds and in order to heal, the body, through touch, is the final barrier.

So, Friday night was comfortable, interesting, but my trust was yet to come. We had a nice check in, couples, singles, but I sensed a single side of the coin only. Everybody seemed over trusting, super positive. I don’t trust that. I want to hear about the pain. That is what is authentic to me. Share your pain and then I will look deep into your eyes with respect and an open heart. I was in bed before midnight and took my armor to sleep with me.

Saturday we did a Puja and that loosened stuff up a bit. Lunch was nice. I got to know a couple of people. But it wasn’t until that afternoon when the women moved into another room and Charles showed the men a film on conscious loving that I began to feel some real emotion.

I broke down. I was witnessing people physically and consciously loving each other in a way that I have avoided for my entire life.

Here is my brief reality. I am 65… never been married except to pornography and drugs…mostly pot. The addiction has been an enslavement of a magnitude I would hold next to heroine or alcohol. I have always loved women, never been abusive. But I was always looking for the trophy body and lived in absolute fear of intimacy. The longest relationship I ever had was five years. I also have anger issues, intense loneliness, but the blessed life I have has balanced all that out to a level of gratitude that made all the crap tolerable. And I had ten years of intense men’s work that gave me the courage to come to Source Tantra. It is now Saturday night.

Artwork by Irina Karkabi
Artwork by Irina Karkabi

I am in the Sadie Hawkins circle having mild cardiac arrest. Who will take my hand? Am I prepared to rise above the “centerfold syndrome” and do my job for whoever my Goddess is? For those of you who remember the film, West Side Story, go to the gym dance when Tony first saw Maria. I don’t mean this to sound over dramatic but it was like that. “E” was the one who took my hand.

Everything on either side of her and behind her went away. There were only her eyes, and a look that made me feel grateful, excited and safe all at the same time.

Our date was a glass of wine and an appetizer and I grew to like her immediately. She was to become my lover, teacher and friend on this night. This is so hard to admit but my truth is, that this is the first time I had been with a woman like this in over 15 years.

“E” was perfect for me. She felt my awkwardness and trepidation. I remember saying to her, “I want to adore you without devouring you”. I learned so much from her. The first thing I wanted to know was what her boundaries were. Going very slow was my primary lesson because it was what she needed and I was there to give that…otherwise I could not pleasure her. She is a soft, lovely creature come to me from the portals of Aphrodite and Astarte. I am still reeling. We laughed a lot and that is a good thing. Sunday we reconnected with a big hug.

Something in me had shifted. The men’s circle was huge. I had a safe place to unload some “authenticity” and it was at that moment that I truly came to trust Charles.

And I liked him. We are both from New York, the same generation and I would very much like to have couple of beers with this guy and do guy stuff. One of my issues/problems is that sex has to be “nasty in order to be good”. He offered much on this subject and taught/relieved much within me, namely that if it is consentual, it can be holy. I really needed to hear that.

Artwork by Irina Karkabi
Artwork by Irina Karkabi

After this circle a man came to me and tested me with a challenge to create a vacuum by dropping the porno and making room for “the one”. It was a message that said, “It is time, G.W.”. I need to emphasize something. This addiction has been my escape mechanism for over half a fucking century. It gave me an excuse to not feel the pain. I could write volumes. I had an interview that is actually in a book called “The Porn Trap”.

So, the shift I felt after Saturday night grew larger after the 12 on 12 Puja Sunday. Charles led that process masterfully and I caved in again. I fell into women with quaking shoulders and felt their blessing and support to the point of feeling like I had just left a two hour sweat lodge. So sweet, so cleansed, so renewed.

I am very motivated to continue this work. And to stop acting out. I am so tired of this coiled snake controlling me. There just might be a future for me in Tantra. I can use my history by turning it into a giant gift and be of service. It is what my life is about anyway. My gratitude is palpable. My want is for this work to show so that I come off as approachable, not as a repeller which is my story. And perhaps, you never know, my story will inspire another man who can relate… and who can change. One step, one day at a time!

Thank you to Charles and Leah. You have made a difference.

My granite armor is peeling away!

Peace and Blessings,
G.W. 

Source Tantra Watermark

P.S. Do you have questions about attending a Tantra seminar as a single? Watch these FAQ Videos!

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